Stressed, not understanding emotions

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am I stressed up?

Yes I think so but I don’t know why, I cant find the reason.

But I can feel that irritation that are moving around inside as soon as anyone say something, sound in a special way, do a tick, not do things as fast as I want it. All those small things irritate me so much that I can physically feel it in my stomach.

I try to breath, try to find the reason, try to take control.

But NO. That feeling are going through all of me and I can feel that my feeling of irritation is all over and around me.
Not fair to my assistant.

This is my problem, not hers, but she feel it and I can not explain what’s going on, cause I don’t know. I feel like I want to hurt someone, NO NO NO I will not do it, I just have that feeling. It would be awesome to have a boxing ball now to hit and get this crap out of me. Or just give me 24 hours alone. Just 24 hours.

I don’t think anyone can understand how it is to be forced to have people around you all the time. Its no dance on roses. I can never do what ever I want to, never go for a walk alone in the forest, not prepare a dinner alone, not get dressed alone, not take a glas of water alone, not pick up something that fell on the floor, not reach anything that is up on a shelf, not create a picture self cause I cant open materials, not go out in the garden by myself, not get out on the porch by myself, not use bathroom by myself. I have to have someone around me all the time. And sometimes I HATE IT, even though I love it cause it makes it possible for me to live a good life.

This feelings connected to living with personal assistants can sometimes be a bit to much to deal with. And when you in to all of that put things that happens in life,, ohhh it can be ruff that’s for sure.

When I type this I can feel that for readers it can be very hard to understand what I say, I can be seen as a person that are selfish. But I can promise you one thing, that’s NOT me. Its the opposite.

I give so so much to everyone around me. I’m so bad on giving myself good inputs, and YES I think that is one reason to that I feel like I do sometimes. I need to be kind to me. I need to take care of me. I need to throw away that feeling of being mean to assistants cause I don’t feel okay. I never say anything about it, but I’m 100 % sure about that they can feel it around me.

My big problem is that I have this lock on me, that lock that say, don’t put your shit on others. You are there work nothing else.

That’s actually absurd, listen to it, IM there WORK. Me, Gunilla a work. I’m there working environment. I the woman Gunilla is a working environment, I’m the one that have to be touched against my will, I’m the one that have to be forced to get things done at my home against my will, I’m the one that are a work, I’m there monthly pay check.

I have been my own boss, had a restaurant for many years in Stockholm. Then I was others work. But that’s totally different. That I’m so comfortable with. I know I’m a good work leader, I’m good at getting things done, I’m good at working in a stressed up place, I’m good on taking care of my staff. But the difference are huge. I’m still me, I’m still there work, but in a different way.

Now they have to get under my skin. That’s a hard thing to deal with sometimes. A very very hard thing.

Take this little thing like sitting her typing, and someone shout out, “Nillan what do you think about this”, “Nillan how will you do with this”, Nillan, Nillan, Nillan, nillan… over and over again until I say something like Please, let me be left alone a while, I’m typing. Maybe this don’t sound like a big thing, but if you have it day out and day in, it groves, it becomes a issue that can be way to much to deal with.

Right now it is way to much. Please let me get 24 hours alone. That’s my dream and I know its utopia, I know it will never happen. But hey,,, No one can stop my hope and my dreams

reflections

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had been out for a long walk in the cold rain, so nice, so cold, but still so refreshing.

Ya I’m a crazy Swede that loves all the seasons so much and that totally accept that there is no bad weather only bad clothing.

Now I’m sitting here with a big cup of coffee, dark and strong as hell, and that’s exactly how I want it now. My little cat Sture, is at my side, trying to get my fingers while I type,,, dagnabbit sometimes he can drive me nuts. But he is adorable and the grown one, Sixten are doing his best to teach this little brat to not do to much shit around the house.

If he succeed, well time will tell.

In my head today a lot of things are going on. I’m in that place in life when you feel fragile in a new way and at the same time I feel stronger than ever. Emotions to deal with that can be hard to understand.

I have lived with abuse and disaster for so so many years that the only truly big thing I learned from it was to put my emotions in a invisible backpack. A heavy burden that got heavier for every year. When it was full to its top and started to poor over it was a big big fight, a terrible to place to be in. But I have learned so much on how to deal with it.

Still a lot of time I don’t understand my emotions. I think some parts of me are scared for life and I have to accept that and just deal with the now emotions that pops up. I f I don’t understand what’s going on inside I just try to accept that something is happening and its okay. Just be in it and don’t let it overwhelm me.

I was to the hospital to see my psychiatrist last week. That yearly check up meeting. It reminded me on how extremely bad I have feel through a lot of years. I’m glad and grateful over that I have manage to get out of that totally dark hole I was in. When I started to see a bit light in my life it was such a relief. I don’t think I ever will be totally okay, but it doesn’t matter anymore. Now I can handle the downs in a much better way, and its because I have the mental tools to work with. I have to thank my psychologist “Tarja” for that. She didn’t gave up on me and she slowly made me open up about everything that have happened in my life. She made me look at it, to see that it was in my past, that I have to forgive myself and not let it be the guiding light in my life.

To forgive our self are the hardest thing in life. I still don’t know how to do it a lot of times. I still have a long long way to go when it come to that. But I try, and that’s good enough.






Darkness lights

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Its extremely hard sometimes to translate, or a lot the time, my Swedish poems to English. But I like to try. If anyone would like to give me small advices on how to get my words better in English, feel free. I would appreciate it.

Darkness attracts the infinity of space
Gives silence to the struggle of the will
Provides security for the eternal quest of the lost seeker

The Fragility of silver wire struggles in the silent
embrace of the cloud,
afraid to burst when resounding light strikes
rhythmic against trembling ground mirror surface


					

Fast, heavy, nice thinking

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The thinking activity is going at high speed.

I wander back and forth in my thoughts, not really getting a grip on what bothers me the most, or worries and irritates me.

My catastrophe thinking is in full swing an I apparently never learn to stop, think about and turn off thoughts of disaster. They only take energy, they are not relevant, they do not replenish energy.
On the contrary, they absorb energy.

I like my brain, yes its true even if it sounds like bragging. The problem I have is that I think to much. I tenders to overthink things. You know that way that “if I do this, what will happen then”, “if I say that, what will happen then” and on and on and on.

I can have a conversation going on in my head way before the person I talk to have answered my first question or opinion. It sometimes makes it hard to stop and listen or to realize that I’m talking right out in the blue.
I feel smart, intelligent and I do have social skills and are a very emotional person, but way to fast a lot of the time.

But I still like my brain. I think that my way of thinking have helped a lot lot of times to survive. I see things from so many angels and I almost sometimes dissects a ongoing event. A event that can be bad for me, good for me, it doesn’t matter I see it from a lot of angels, and it helps me.

I can of course not always do that. And I can truly say that NO,,,, I haven’t think through things to 100 procent a lot of times, and that’s cause of what was happening around me.

I wish I have had this brain fully working when I was young. So much shit could have been spared me. All from getting sick in polio, (no thats a bad way to think and so so wrong thinking), that I should not have get in loved with Ronnie, that would have spared me so so much pain. Not just emotional but also physical.

I might have been able to avoid a lot of bad things if I had the open mind I have today, if I had the function I have today.

But I think this comes with age if we embrace it and are grateful over what we have to work with. Working with my brain is what I have left since my body don’t want to do what I want it to do. But guess what, I’m okay with that (today).

I’m okay with not being able.
I’m okay with being me.

I’m not okay with not being able.
I’m not okay with being me.

That’s my ongoing progress, my ongoing work inside. My brain and my emotions are not always talking the same language. And I think that everything we have with us from life make us think in those ways.

I wonder if there is one person on this earth that can say that he/she are totally okay with who he/she is? I don’t think so. Sometimes people can say stupid things like “be satisfied with what you can use of your body”, for god sake, shut up. I’m glad I can use my arms, I’m glad I can sit up, I’m glad I can use a wheelchair, but don’t tell me how to think about it and don’t tell me to feel satisfied with it or to be grateful. I can not be satisfied with a disabled body, I can totally accept it, live with it in the best way ever, but what I dream about is my dreams and in my dreams I’m not disabled. In my dreams I’m walking in grass, feeling sand under my feet, run up a hill, climbing In my dreams I do everything I cant do when I’m awake.

For me to be satisfied with me, is to see me as I am, to take every day for what it is and try to do the best out of it. For me to be satisfied is to use my brain as much as possible. For me to be satisfied is to be grateful over all the small things in life. I have talked about this before but its important. The small things in life for me is that beautiful cloud on the blue sky, the falling snow, the smell of autumn, the sound of cows on the field, the purring of my cats, the chats with my soulmate (not so small thing rather a big grate thing), the small things can be a smell, a feeling, a taste. It can be very very tiny or very very big. It might not have a reason for anyone else, its my little thing, its my soul that feel it and its important for me.

In my head right now I have thoughts like, why are you writing about this? Why cant you just sit and do nothing? What the heck, this is me, take it or leave it.






I go crazy

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I will soon go crazy.. why is everything happening at the same time.

I HATE it,,, since autumn 2020 I have had problems with my personal assistants. Not with them as people, but with sickness, surgery, quarantine.

I have 3 ordinary girls working in my team. One got surgery on her hand, one got back problems and the last one had to stay in quarantine cause of Covid in family. This forced me to survive with assistants that are just working very rare. Its hard to have them working since I have to be so alert all the time. I take away so much in my life when they work just to get through the days. To get dressed, to eat, to just do the basic things in life.

When it started to settled down, the woman with back problems was diagnosed with a special kind of problem that forced her to stop working. We have worked together for 9 years. Its a special kind of relationship between me as disabled, in need of there help and at the same time there work leader. We have been through good times and also very bad times. And we have manage to keep on working together with a smile on our faces. Now her body said, “enough is enough”. She will never work anymore in her life.
She didn’t want to stop working and I didn’t want to lose her in my team.
But what we want we just had to put away, her body was the ruler in it all. And of course the most important thing in all of it.

I have to start all over with a new assistant. She are going to be a good part of the team. We just have to work together, to get to know each other, to see the good sides and the bad sides in each other. To get things to work out in a smooth way. It takes time. It takes a lot of energy. Its a work that have to be done. Its to make assistants to be personal assistants. Its the shades that defines it. It gets personal assistants when we can work together without talking. When she can look at me and know how my day are. Its when I can hear on the tone of her voice how her day is. Its when we can agree about not thinking in the same way and that its totally okay. Its when I can feel comfortable with being nude in front of her, like in the shower and then get dressed and after that sit at the table in the kitchen to have a coworker talk. Its when the silence is comfortable. Its all the shades join together. We have a long way to go, but we will get there.

I have to work with this and at the same time life hits me again.

One assistants got Covid, she got blood cloths from Covid. She have been gone for several weeks now. Tomorrow she was suppose to start working again. I looked forward to that.

Today she went to the stable to take care of her horse. Another horse started to react on something and my assistant was pushed over by her own horse, so bad that she now have broken ribs.
That means, she will not start working tomorrow. She will not start working until several more weeks have gone.

When I got this call from her today about this, my other assistant, that is working today got a call from her hubby. Covid in there daughters class at school. So now the hole family are in quarantine.

Guess what? I feel like my limit is very close.

I feel so sorry for them that this happen. But I, right now, cant find strength to start even trying to solve those problems this will give me. I have to get staff in to working. I have to have staff for 16 hours every day, every good dam day in my life. I have to survive. I HAVE to fix this,,,,, again.

I know in the back of my mind that I will fix this.
I know in the back of my mind that I will survive this.

But NOW, oh I don’t want to deal with it. I don’t want to even think about it. I want to go to sleep, wake up and realize it was a dream. And guess what, that will not happen, cause this is reality, this is my “fucking” life.

I am a positive person, I’m a good work leader, I’m capable enough to solve this. But right now,,,,,, I DONT WANT TO.
Life sucks now, but it will pass and I will get my self back on track and make my days as good as they can be under the circumstances.

I say to myself, rest, turn your head of, listen to blues, chillax and then “go for it”. Make your life with personal assistants and disability as good as it can be. Just let it be for now, for a couple of hours. REST

Sunny day

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A day like this,,,

Sitting on the terrace, we have fully enjoyed the suns warming rays.

After a day in the city, the actions of acting and observant people in corona times we decide to go home.

We took our coffee, our snack and sat down to just listen to the silence and feel the caress of the sun. Its like a miracle every spring when for the first time you we can really sit outside in a tank top and to 100 procent enjoy percent.

And that in a tank top I got in the mail today from my soulmate in USA.
A tank top that say, I’m a polio survivor and a warrior.

It feels like this day has been quite okay and that it is now allowed to be a little tired and exhausted in body and soul.

There is so much I dislike with Corona, but some effect of it I truly like. One is that a lot of us have slowed down the tempo,,, we are truly enjoying the small things in life. Those moments that usually just pass by without us even think about it. Things that we just do, say, think, see, hear.
Now when we realize that life is fragile in so many ways we see, we hear, we think, we challenge life in different ways. And that I think is good for us humans.

Think.

Feel.

Listen.

Enjoy.

Live.

Let go of all those “have to do” or “have to own”.

Live life, feel life and take care of every minute of it.