THE WATER DROP REFLECTS THE UNIVERSE HOLDS ALL THE STARS OF ETERNITY THE SMELL OF CLOVER TODAY AND THE LONGING OF THE NIGHT EVERYTHING ALIVE AND EVERYTHING DEAD
But I don’t know how to do that right now. I feel run over by life.
Its like when things settled down it have to start spinning again, that are for me something that I should be used to by now. But maybe we never get used to all those ups and downs. We just learn from them, hopefully and that make the next down period a bit easier.
I don’t feel depressed, I don’t feel happy, I don’t feel low, I don’t feel…..
That’s not totally honest cause I feel calm and at peace when chatting to my soulmate. I can feel calm when I’m going in to the world of music and art. But at the same time I have this disaster radar fully up.
I understood it today when the phone rang, unknown number on the display, and at the other end a voice says that the person is calling from psychiatry at a hospital in southern Sweden. Directly my radar go in to red alert. Through my head goes millions of thoughts. Thoughts like “has she taken her life”, “is she hospitalized again”, “how should I help her”, millions of thoughts of a negative nature. I realized that I was not listening to the voice, I just assumed that it had gone wrong in some way. I had to force myself to breath, to listen and then I discovered that not everything have to go wrong because they call from the psychiatry where my grandchild is enrolled. They just wanted to ask me a few things that could have an impact on her treatment. In any case, the thought cross my mind that I must not relax in my work with my own mental health.
If I don’t feel okay, then I cant be there for both of my grandkids. If I take my own health for granted I only deceive myself and that is to be mean to myself.
That phone call made me stop and think. Think about what am I doing for me?
How do I treat myself?
I’m hard at me. So very hard at me. I always have to achieve.
I have learned that since I was a very little girl. To achieve. To preform. To not show emotions. To not cry. To be a good girl.
If only parents thought about what they teach there kids when putting this in there minds and soul.
If they only could see the consequences.
Sometimes I would love to talk to parents that do this to there kids. Some do it cause they don’t think about what can come out of it. Some might do it cause it give them control over there kids. Some might do it cause they know they can.
I believe that kids need to learn, they need to learn from experience, they need to learn from grown ups that truly try to teach them things they can use as adults in a good, positive and helping way.
I live with my scares. Scares from parents that didn’t think, from years at hospital with staffs that didn’t think. I hope inside of me that no one did all this on purpose to me. I hope they just didn’t think about what there actions could do with me later on in life.
All of my experience have made me to the person I am today. I sometimes say “thank you” for that. I sometime say, “Fuck of” for that, it all depends on what I’m fighting with.
Now I think my mind, soul and body are tired. It have been a long time with problems with assistants and the grandkids. It takes my energy away and I think I’m right now just so tired of it all that I stopped thinking about myself.
I don’t need to do big things for myself. I just need to be kinder to me. I will try to go back to that, NO I will go back to do that. I will go back to think about me as good enough.
and I sit her and try to wake up, slowly, very slowly.
After a couple of intense days my body feels like it have run marathon. Every part of it hurts so to just sit and slowly try to reach out for the day is the best way to wake up today.
The cats are running around like crazy. From the kitchen I can feel the smell of new coffee being prepared. I hear my assistants preparing a good and healthy breakfast. I’m going to sit in my chair, up with my feet’s, looking at the fire and just enjoy breakfast.
Nothing special have to be done today, well at lest nothing more than that things we always do. You know washing clothes, clean the apartment, and out for a walk in the nice, fresh spring air. I get this feeling inside when spring comes that I “have to” do so much.
I have to go out when sun is shining,
I have to be on the porch when the wind is not to cold,
I have to take care of the garden
I have to plant seeds
I have to do this and this and this
Sometimes I need to push down my mental brake and say, hey take it easy – enjoy – don’t stress – there’s a day tomorrow to, and I try to listen to that. But wow its hard. I want so so much, I’m able to do so little, but I do everything to enjoy every moment. Even those days when the dark cloud invades my mind and soul.
I work with myself, my dark side. I try to see the good in the dark. Of course I don’t succeed every day, I’m only human and in one way I think its good to just let go of the work. I think we all need to go down in the grey/dark feeling sometime. It make us appreciate the good days, the calm and relaxing day. It makes us being able to say, hey its okay to feel sorry for yourself today, its okay to be sad today, its okay to not perform on a high level every day.
I am that kind of person that always want to perform at my absolutely best, and that takes energy. So to go down in the grey/dark hole for a little while sometimes helps me to get perspective on that life is not so bad at all. It helps me to put the demands on myself down a bit.
For today that’s not going to happen. Today I woke up with a mind that was light and my intention is to keep it there.
Will it happen? Na probably not, cause when the body gets tired so gets the mind and soul. But hey, I enjoy this morning and I soon will enjoy my breakfast and the walk outside. That’s 3 good things to be grateful over.
Covid hit us. Not me but my personal assistant. She’s very sick and I worry for her.
When being in Quarantined for such a long time, you almost think that nothing will happen near you. But completely wrong, its getting closer and closer and it feels nasty and scary.
My lungs are affected from PPS, postpolio syndrome, so I will get big problems if getting covid.
But I cant do more than I have done and are doing. We are staying at home for the most part and are keeping distance and mask when out in the store or similar.
I’m so sick and tired of this, I want my life back. I want to go to the mall, to just go in the stores for fun. Just sit at a café and order a good cup of coffee. Just sitting there and looking at people.
I want to start singing in the Joyvoice choir again. That amazing feeling when people get together and sing. Its such a fantastic moment, a moment that fills me with energy, happiness, joy. All the good emotions come at once and its something that I can live on for a long time. Now Covid have take that away from me/us. We haven’t been able to sing together for over a year now, there is only one word for that,,,,,,,boring.
I can feel that this isolation I’m forced takes on me purely mentally.
I can feel the anxiety raise for the smallest thing.
I have lived my life filled with anxiety, panic attacks, depression, being suicidal. I have worked so hard with all of it and I must say that I’m proud of what I have manage to do. I have the tools to fight anxiety and panic. But the tools get harder to use the longer time I’m forced to stay at home so much.
It was a long time since I had a full blown panic attack, but I can feel that tingling feeling in my legs that usually is a signal for me that its on its way. Until today I have manage to push it away. But its there and I hate it.
I feel the anxiety raising when even thinking about going to the store for grocery shopping. Not cause of Covid, but cause of to much people. I don’t want that, I don’t want to feel that again.
Yes I know, its my fight, I have to keep on working with it. I just need to rant a bit. I’m usually not that kind of person that rant, I keep way to much inside of me and there is not a chance in hell, that I can change that. I’m way to old for that. Its just me and its good enough.
My soulmate bring sunshine in to my life.
When forced to stay inside even though the sun is shining, spring is progressing with a speed like a rocket, I’m stuck inside.
To get this surprise, from USA to Sweden blow my mind and truly did my day a good one.
Just to know that someone thinks about us like this are a amazing feeling. A feeling that is feeding the soul with sunshine and pumping heat.
I’m lucky to have find a friend like this, everyone should have this kind of friendship. It makes life worth living fully.
Thanks for bringing sunshine in to my life.
Sunshine, snow, rain, stormy, calm, snow again, melting snow, flowers fighting to grow. Truly a amazing month. Mars and April are those month in Sweden when we never know how to dress, how cold/warm it will be.
Its magical and sometimes so annoying. There is always that question, how to dress, what to use, will it be to cold, will it be to warm, will I get wet. We Swedes talk a lot about weather every season of the year. Its that subject that can start a conversation with someone you don’t know so well. There is a way to think about how we in Sweden are as people.
It is said that we are quiet, cold, always talking about the weather, we are hard to talk deep things with, we keep to ourselves, we are not so social.
I think some of it are right or maybe all of it. But give us a chance and you find a people that are warm in there hearts, that are willing to share so much with you. People that invite you to there homes.
I think we have a lot of social rules, but we are also willing to bend those rules.
Earlier they talked about Swedes as the sinfully people. We had a reputation that said we loved to be nude, that people had free sex all the time, that everyone are beautiful, that blonde girl and that Viking man. Yes we are beautiful, but not as a rule, yes we are a country were gender equality is important, where sexuality is okay to talk about, where politics is important, where democratic rules apply. But we are also people who are like everyone else, although there may be some things that deviate from what others consider normal. Like eating rotten herring, in Swedish called Surströmming, goggle that or look at Youtube, it maybe make you shake your head.
How did I got in to talk about this, have no clue. Feels like I’m trying to say sorry for being such a strange person from Sweden. But one things for sure, I will never excuse who I am. I’m me, I’m a woman, I’m a grandmother, I’m a lawyer, I’m a survivor, I’m alive (although I never thought I would be that for so long), I’m disabled, I walk with wheels since I’m in a wheelchair, I’m a fighter for my grandkids and yes, I do odd things sometimes when you look at it from the outside. But hey, for me, totally normal and okay.
One day, I hope soon, I will try to talk openly about more things in my life. Things I now just share with my soulmate in USA.
The reason that I feel a need to type about it is that my story, my experiences can help others. I don’t have had a easy life, on the opposite, my fights have been many, hard, long, more than anyone should be able to deal with.
But one thing I have learned from it all is that we as human can survive so much more than we think. We can find strength in things that we didn’t expect to help us forward.
I am a survivor and I have some things that I do every day to get strength to move forward. I come in to that later on. What I want to say is that the small things in life are the truly important things. To see yourself and others. To listen to yourself and others. To be honest to yourself.
I’m still working on all of it, but as long as I work with it, I’m moving on, I grow as a human.
cleaning my mind with blues, that’s the best for me when my heart aches and pains.
My heart hurts today and at the same time I feel relief.
My grandkid, having problems with mental illness, drug abuse, being self-destructive and so on have been in to a mental ward for almost 2 weeks now. Today they said, she’s a combination of bipolar and borderline and on top of it she is diagnosed with PTSD and ADHD. ADHD we have known about for a long time. The rest have been in my mind for such a long time.
The sad part of it all is that she have to deal with this for the rest of her life, the good part of it is that she now know what she have to deal with, IF they get her to understand that it is so important to learn to live with it. What hurt me the most is that its her father and mother that have caused her the PTSD, and maybe also the other diagnoses since they both are drug addicted. My beautiful grandkid is born with problems. That’s not fair, not fair at all.
My son, her father are part of the shit this young woman have gone through. Its so hard to admit it, but you have to face reality, I have to face reality and oh yes I have done it. I have faced it so hard. Like running in to a wall with my head. I’m working on not feeling guilt. I think I will always feel some kind of guilt, though he is my son. But I wasn’t the one that put the first pipe in his mouth, I wasn’t the one that decided to take stronger drugs.
I was the one that put him in to rehab, the one that stood by his side when he needed me, the one that turned my back on him when he was on drugs again, just cause I refused to be co-dependent. For being able to do that I thank everyone on the support group that stood by me, they gave me the strength and the courage to do it, to say no.
I got my son back for a while and then I lost him once again, but now to a woman that are so toxic and that also is a big part of destroying my grandkids, yes both of my older once are having huge problems.
Still I feel guilt, I don’t carry it anymore, but I feel it, and it becomes so clear to me when I got to know this about my wonderful girls diagnoses. I will stand by her side in the best way I can and that is to just listen, to say no when things are starting to go in the wrong way and to not be a co-dependent grandma.
Life could be easier for her. I cant take that fight for her, she have to go that road by herself. I have walked a bumpy road, I have made it so far, and so will she if angels support her and give her strength.
Music is medicine for me, its the best drug ever, a pure, hard, smooth, loving, hurting, crying, laughing, comforting medicine. So bring it on to me, I take some more music, cuddle up and take one more step on this bumpy road, and so will she.
I can apologize when I'm WRONG but I NEVER apologize for who I am!!!
I like that sentence so much. Its just true.
I have apologize for who I am almost through all my life. It have to stop, and it have to stop now.
Its so odd that other peoples opinion can control our minds so much.
For me that, I think, have been a natural thing. I was so destroyed that I lost the ability to make my own decisions about how to feel, what to do, to stand up for my self.
When working I got in to my working personality and I think that was a very very big part of me. So big that it become me almost 24/7. To forget who you are as a private person is in one way to hurt yourself, to be self destructive.
I think it is also protection.
For me it was my way of protect my inner me. To not feel, to not be forced to deal with all emotions that was bound up inside. But guess what, life catches up no matter what you do. For me it did in a hard way.
I got my first panic attack in the middle of Stockholm, in the middle of the day and I was totally convinced about that it was a heart attack. To be diagnosed with panic attack in the ER, filled me with negative feelings such as shame. Shame cause it was not okay to be sick in your soul. Any mental sickness was filled with shame. I’m so glad that the thinking about that have changed. Now days we talk more about mental illness and in better ways. But its far from good.
Still a lot of people cant say that they are depressed or filled with anxiety. Other people judge them as I got judged.
When you finally start to talk about it, that requires a lot of courage, you can here phrases like, pull yourself up, you look so alert, it’s just moving on.
That’s a slap in the face.
Its so much better to brake a leg, that’s okay for others, but mental illness is not.
I can apologize when I'm WRONG
but I NEVER apologize for who I am!!!
Drained but anyway totally okay.
The company that administrates my personal assistance, “HUMANA” asked me to be in charge of there Instagram account for one week.
Of course I said yes, without even thinking before. Just because that’s the way I am,
It become one intense week, but at the same time a extremely fun week.
We have made small movies with my mobile every day. Trying to show what personal assistance is. What a personal assistance do.
That’s not a easy thing to show or explain since its such a variation of tasks to take care of.
Working with me is to do everything from helping me with part of my hygiene, getting dressed, preparing food, take care of my household, my cat, work in my garden, shovel snow, ya everything that is happening in a life.
How to explain that in photos and videos on Instagram?
Well we thought, discussed and realized, stop thinking, just go for it. And so we did.
We as a team are working extremely good together and for that I’m proud since I am the teamleader. I’m also proud of the girls since they are a part of my team, and the progress of becoming where we are today they are a big part of. They have been working with me, in my team for 8 – 9 years now and that is not common. Usually this kind of relationship, that’s what it is, last for a couple of years. Its like having a relationship without the love part.
The big difference in it is that my assistance know almost everything about me, the only thing they don’t know is my thoughts and my inner soul. They know what under wears I use, how I like my food, what code it is to my bank account, they here my phone calls, they are with me in every moment of my life.
They are with me when it s fun, when hard things happen. They are my shadow 24/7.
To show that relation/work team is hard. But I think we managed good.
We did nice photos of great walks in the nature, showing my beautiful area where I live. To photos and movies I added text where I try to put in all about this in few word.
We put up some fun videos on Instagram that showed to fun part of being together in this team. Cause we have a lot of laugh in this household. And I think we managed to make it in a good, fun way. At least it looked like that when checking the likes, and responses on Instagram.
We thought about the “Grand Finale” and decided to try do the Jerusalema dance.
You can see it in my earlier post.
Well, we are amateurs on making movies.
But wow, we had a good time doing it.
Now I’m drained of energy. It will take me a couple of days to feel better, but it was worth it.
To take my energy out like this is not good, that I know so well, but honestly, its worth it. I have to live, not just be alive.
Today I’m going with my team for a dinner with Quiz, so just for fun, take away more energy, and that’s just because I can,, LOL