The thinking activity is going at high speed.
I wander back and forth in my thoughts, not really getting a grip on what bothers me the most, or worries and irritates me.
My catastrophe thinking is in full swing an I apparently never learn to stop, think about and turn off thoughts of disaster. They only take energy, they are not relevant, they do not replenish energy.
On the contrary, they absorb energy.
I like my brain, yes its true even if it sounds like bragging. The problem I have is that I think to much. I tenders to overthink things. You know that way that “if I do this, what will happen then”, “if I say that, what will happen then” and on and on and on.
I can have a conversation going on in my head way before the person I talk to have answered my first question or opinion. It sometimes makes it hard to stop and listen or to realize that I’m talking right out in the blue.
I feel smart, intelligent and I do have social skills and are a very emotional person, but way to fast a lot of the time.
But I still like my brain. I think that my way of thinking have helped a lot lot of times to survive. I see things from so many angels and I almost sometimes dissects a ongoing event. A event that can be bad for me, good for me, it doesn’t matter I see it from a lot of angels, and it helps me.
I can of course not always do that. And I can truly say that NO,,,, I haven’t think through things to 100 procent a lot of times, and that’s cause of what was happening around me.
I wish I have had this brain fully working when I was young. So much shit could have been spared me. All from getting sick in polio, (no thats a bad way to think and so so wrong thinking), that I should not have get in loved with Ronnie, that would have spared me so so much pain. Not just emotional but also physical.
I might have been able to avoid a lot of bad things if I had the open mind I have today, if I had the function I have today.
But I think this comes with age if we embrace it and are grateful over what we have to work with. Working with my brain is what I have left since my body don’t want to do what I want it to do. But guess what, I’m okay with that (today).
I’m okay with not being able.
I’m okay with being me.
I’m not okay with not being able.
I’m not okay with being me.
That’s my ongoing progress, my ongoing work inside. My brain and my emotions are not always talking the same language. And I think that everything we have with us from life make us think in those ways.
I wonder if there is one person on this earth that can say that he/she are totally okay with who he/she is? I don’t think so. Sometimes people can say stupid things like “be satisfied with what you can use of your body”, for god sake, shut up. I’m glad I can use my arms, I’m glad I can sit up, I’m glad I can use a wheelchair, but don’t tell me how to think about it and don’t tell me to feel satisfied with it or to be grateful. I can not be satisfied with a disabled body, I can totally accept it, live with it in the best way ever, but what I dream about is my dreams and in my dreams I’m not disabled. In my dreams I’m walking in grass, feeling sand under my feet, run up a hill, climbing In my dreams I do everything I cant do when I’m awake.
For me to be satisfied with me, is to see me as I am, to take every day for what it is and try to do the best out of it. For me to be satisfied is to use my brain as much as possible. For me to be satisfied is to be grateful over all the small things in life. I have talked about this before but its important. The small things in life for me is that beautiful cloud on the blue sky, the falling snow, the smell of autumn, the sound of cows on the field, the purring of my cats, the chats with my soulmate (not so small thing rather a big grate thing), the small things can be a smell, a feeling, a taste. It can be very very tiny or very very big. It might not have a reason for anyone else, its my little thing, its my soul that feel it and its important for me.
In my head right now I have thoughts like, why are you writing about this? Why cant you just sit and do nothing? What the heck, this is me, take it or leave it.