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I will soon go crazy.. why is everything happening at the same time.

I HATE it,,, since autumn 2020 I have had problems with my personal assistants. Not with them as people, but with sickness, surgery, quarantine.

I have 3 ordinary girls working in my team. One got surgery on her hand, one got back problems and the last one had to stay in quarantine cause of Covid in family. This forced me to survive with assistants that are just working very rare. Its hard to have them working since I have to be so alert all the time. I take away so much in my life when they work just to get through the days. To get dressed, to eat, to just do the basic things in life.

When it started to settled down, the woman with back problems was diagnosed with a special kind of problem that forced her to stop working. We have worked together for 9 years. Its a special kind of relationship between me as disabled, in need of there help and at the same time there work leader. We have been through good times and also very bad times. And we have manage to keep on working together with a smile on our faces. Now her body said, “enough is enough”. She will never work anymore in her life.
She didn’t want to stop working and I didn’t want to lose her in my team.
But what we want we just had to put away, her body was the ruler in it all. And of course the most important thing in all of it.

I have to start all over with a new assistant. She are going to be a good part of the team. We just have to work together, to get to know each other, to see the good sides and the bad sides in each other. To get things to work out in a smooth way. It takes time. It takes a lot of energy. Its a work that have to be done. Its to make assistants to be personal assistants. Its the shades that defines it. It gets personal assistants when we can work together without talking. When she can look at me and know how my day are. Its when I can hear on the tone of her voice how her day is. Its when we can agree about not thinking in the same way and that its totally okay. Its when I can feel comfortable with being nude in front of her, like in the shower and then get dressed and after that sit at the table in the kitchen to have a coworker talk. Its when the silence is comfortable. Its all the shades join together. We have a long way to go, but we will get there.

I have to work with this and at the same time life hits me again.

One assistants got Covid, she got blood cloths from Covid. She have been gone for several weeks now. Tomorrow she was suppose to start working again. I looked forward to that.

Today she went to the stable to take care of her horse. Another horse started to react on something and my assistant was pushed over by her own horse, so bad that she now have broken ribs.
That means, she will not start working tomorrow. She will not start working until several more weeks have gone.

When I got this call from her today about this, my other assistant, that is working today got a call from her hubby. Covid in there daughters class at school. So now the hole family are in quarantine.

Guess what? I feel like my limit is very close.

I feel so sorry for them that this happen. But I, right now, cant find strength to start even trying to solve those problems this will give me. I have to get staff in to working. I have to have staff for 16 hours every day, every good dam day in my life. I have to survive. I HAVE to fix this,,,,, again.

I know in the back of my mind that I will fix this.
I know in the back of my mind that I will survive this.

But NOW, oh I don’t want to deal with it. I don’t want to even think about it. I want to go to sleep, wake up and realize it was a dream. And guess what, that will not happen, cause this is reality, this is my “fucking” life.

I am a positive person, I’m a good work leader, I’m capable enough to solve this. But right now,,,,,, I DONT WANT TO.
Life sucks now, but it will pass and I will get my self back on track and make my days as good as they can be under the circumstances.

I say to myself, rest, turn your head of, listen to blues, chillax and then “go for it”. Make your life with personal assistants and disability as good as it can be. Just let it be for now, for a couple of hours. REST