had been out for a long walk in the cold rain, so nice, so cold, but still so refreshing.
Ya I’m a crazy Swede that loves all the seasons so much and that totally accept that there is no bad weather only bad clothing.
Now I’m sitting here with a big cup of coffee, dark and strong as hell, and that’s exactly how I want it now. My little cat Sture, is at my side, trying to get my fingers while I type,,, dagnabbit sometimes he can drive me nuts. But he is adorable and the grown one, Sixten are doing his best to teach this little brat to not do to much shit around the house.
If he succeed, well time will tell.
In my head today a lot of things are going on. I’m in that place in life when you feel fragile in a new way and at the same time I feel stronger than ever. Emotions to deal with that can be hard to understand.
I have lived with abuse and disaster for so so many years that the only truly big thing I learned from it was to put my emotions in a invisible backpack. A heavy burden that got heavier for every year. When it was full to its top and started to poor over it was a big big fight, a terrible to place to be in. But I have learned so much on how to deal with it.
Still a lot of time I don’t understand my emotions. I think some parts of me are scared for life and I have to accept that and just deal with the now emotions that pops up. I f I don’t understand what’s going on inside I just try to accept that something is happening and its okay. Just be in it and don’t let it overwhelm me.
I was to the hospital to see my psychiatrist last week. That yearly check up meeting. It reminded me on how extremely bad I have feel through a lot of years. I’m glad and grateful over that I have manage to get out of that totally dark hole I was in. When I started to see a bit light in my life it was such a relief. I don’t think I ever will be totally okay, but it doesn’t matter anymore. Now I can handle the downs in a much better way, and its because I have the mental tools to work with. I have to thank my psychologist “Tarja” for that. She didn’t gave up on me and she slowly made me open up about everything that have happened in my life. She made me look at it, to see that it was in my past, that I have to forgive myself and not let it be the guiding light in my life.
To forgive our self are the hardest thing in life. I still don’t know how to do it a lot of times. I still have a long long way to go when it come to that. But I try, and that’s good enough.