, , , ,

am I stressed up?

Yes I think so but I don’t know why, I cant find the reason.

But I can feel that irritation that are moving around inside as soon as anyone say something, sound in a special way, do a tick, not do things as fast as I want it. All those small things irritate me so much that I can physically feel it in my stomach.

I try to breath, try to find the reason, try to take control.

But NO. That feeling are going through all of me and I can feel that my feeling of irritation is all over and around me.
Not fair to my assistant.

This is my problem, not hers, but she feel it and I can not explain what’s going on, cause I don’t know. I feel like I want to hurt someone, NO NO NO I will not do it, I just have that feeling. It would be awesome to have a boxing ball now to hit and get this crap out of me. Or just give me 24 hours alone. Just 24 hours.

I don’t think anyone can understand how it is to be forced to have people around you all the time. Its no dance on roses. I can never do what ever I want to, never go for a walk alone in the forest, not prepare a dinner alone, not get dressed alone, not take a glas of water alone, not pick up something that fell on the floor, not reach anything that is up on a shelf, not create a picture self cause I cant open materials, not go out in the garden by myself, not get out on the porch by myself, not use bathroom by myself. I have to have someone around me all the time. And sometimes I HATE IT, even though I love it cause it makes it possible for me to live a good life.

This feelings connected to living with personal assistants can sometimes be a bit to much to deal with. And when you in to all of that put things that happens in life,, ohhh it can be ruff that’s for sure.

When I type this I can feel that for readers it can be very hard to understand what I say, I can be seen as a person that are selfish. But I can promise you one thing, that’s NOT me. Its the opposite.

I give so so much to everyone around me. I’m so bad on giving myself good inputs, and YES I think that is one reason to that I feel like I do sometimes. I need to be kind to me. I need to take care of me. I need to throw away that feeling of being mean to assistants cause I don’t feel okay. I never say anything about it, but I’m 100 % sure about that they can feel it around me.

My big problem is that I have this lock on me, that lock that say, don’t put your shit on others. You are there work nothing else.

That’s actually absurd, listen to it, IM there WORK. Me, Gunilla a work. I’m there working environment. I the woman Gunilla is a working environment, I’m the one that have to be touched against my will, I’m the one that have to be forced to get things done at my home against my will, I’m the one that are a work, I’m there monthly pay check.

I have been my own boss, had a restaurant for many years in Stockholm. Then I was others work. But that’s totally different. That I’m so comfortable with. I know I’m a good work leader, I’m good at getting things done, I’m good at working in a stressed up place, I’m good on taking care of my staff. But the difference are huge. I’m still me, I’m still there work, but in a different way.

Now they have to get under my skin. That’s a hard thing to deal with sometimes. A very very hard thing.

Take this little thing like sitting her typing, and someone shout out, “Nillan what do you think about this”, “Nillan how will you do with this”, Nillan, Nillan, Nillan, nillan… over and over again until I say something like Please, let me be left alone a while, I’m typing. Maybe this don’t sound like a big thing, but if you have it day out and day in, it groves, it becomes a issue that can be way to much to deal with.

Right now it is way to much. Please let me get 24 hours alone. That’s my dream and I know its utopia, I know it will never happen. But hey,,, No one can stop my hope and my dreams