and its so disturbing!!!
I get angry at myself cause I actually know how to do it. It just seems like I cant find the tool inside myself.
Maybe its a bit overwhelming at the moment.
My grandkids of course are not doing great, been there – done that. Someway I try to convince myself that “hey girl you have been here many times before, you know how to act, you know how to deal with it”, but guess what?
Its not that easy.
Its like instead of getting easier, cause I’m used to this kind of problems, I suddenly don’t being able to control it.
Such a strange feeling. I’m use to be the strong one, the woman that solves there problems, the granny they always can count on. And yes I am that to. Its just the way to find the strength on going on helping them are so little right now.
I think that all those years being on alert alarm all the time are taking its toll.
Its making me realize, shit I’m not getting younger,
I try to do the best I can, but I know now that its not enough, or I rather say it this way, I can not do more than I have done and not more than I do.
My brain know that, but my hearth want to do so much more.
The work is not mine, its there’s.
My work is to be there, to listen, to talk to, to comfort, to tell them to behave, to bark at them. My work is to guide them in a better direction.
Guess what? I think that have reach the end of what I can do.
I have to put away a lot of the demands I have on myself.
I have to take care of me to be able to take care of them.
I have to breath to be able to give them air.
I have to love myself to be able to give them my love.
I have to look myself in the eyes and say,,,,, you have done and you do what you can and its enough.
Its so hard to understand that Its not possible for me to do more. Somehow I feel like I have to be the one that saves them. Wrong wrong wrong, I know that mentally … but do my hearth agree???? Oh no. My granny hearth want to save them, give them clean, rich, healthy, wonderful life’s … But its not up to me.
My heart want to erase all the shit they have gone through, but I cant.
My heart want to tell them I’m sorry that your father, my son did this to you, over and over again. But I have said it, I can not go on nagging about it. They know how I feel about there father, my son. They know that I don’t want to see him in front of my eyes. That might sound terrible, but guess what? we come to a point where we have to decide what is most important in life. He made a choice to not stand up for his kids. He made the choice to push them out of his life cause he met a new woman. He made the choice to push me out of there life’s to. I have given him what I could, I can not do anymore.
He made the choice to get ride of his family on this side. He made the choice to just have his wife and there child in his life. He made the choices, and karma will hit him someday.
Would I love to tell him a lot of things??? Oh yes, but for what reason. Its better to try to build a new life, its better to try to find calm and peace in the place I am at now for me, for my grandkids. We are the family know, just the three of us. I am the root. That is one heavy burden but I carry it as well as I can and there is no more to that.
I keep on fighting, I keep on trying to find my tool to calm down, I keep on trying to build a life again, over and over and over again, life can be so brutal, so so brutal. So for me the good things in life is my soulmate, mother nature, my cats, to wake up and see the sun shining, to listen to the birds outside, to play some good music,,, all the small important things in life. The small things are my things, the small things are my life.