Covid hit us. Not me but my personal assistant. She’s very sick and I worry for her.
When being in Quarantined for such a long time, you almost think that nothing will happen near you. But completely wrong, its getting closer and closer and it feels nasty and scary.
My lungs are affected from PPS, postpolio syndrome, so I will get big problems if getting covid.
But I cant do more than I have done and are doing. We are staying at home for the most part and are keeping distance and mask when out in the store or similar.
I’m so sick and tired of this, I want my life back. I want to go to the mall, to just go in the stores for fun. Just sit at a café and order a good cup of coffee. Just sitting there and looking at people.
I want to start singing in the Joyvoice choir again. That amazing feeling when people get together and sing. Its such a fantastic moment, a moment that fills me with energy, happiness, joy. All the good emotions come at once and its something that I can live on for a long time. Now Covid have take that away from me/us. We haven’t been able to sing together for over a year now, there is only one word for that,,,,,,,boring.
I can feel that this isolation I’m forced takes on me purely mentally. I can feel the anxiety raise for the smallest thing.
I have lived my life filled with anxiety, panic attacks, depression, being suicidal. I have worked so hard with all of it and I must say that I’m proud of what I have manage to do. I have the tools to fight anxiety and panic. But the tools get harder to use the longer time I’m forced to stay at home so much.
It was a long time since I had a full blown panic attack, but I can feel that tingling feeling in my legs that usually is a signal for me that its on its way. Until today I have manage to push it away. But its there and I hate it.
I feel the anxiety raising when even thinking about going to the store for grocery shopping. Not cause of Covid, but cause of to much people. I don’t want that, I don’t want to feel that again.
Yes I know, its my fight, I have to keep on working with it. I just need to rant a bit. I’m usually not that kind of person that rant, I keep way to much inside of me and there is not a chance in hell, that I can change that. I’m way to old for that. Its just me and its good enough.
To live with a disability isnt so bad. Of course they daily life is filled with issues to fight with. But Im used to it so for me its common life.
One of the hard things is to live life with personal assistans. Its a gift to get the right to have it. Without it life would be meager. My assistans are my gold in life. They make it possible for me to live in the best way I can.
But its not always a dance on roses. Its work, hard work to create and to keep a group of assistans that I feel okay to have around me. It demands of me that I am sensitive, that I see and confirm those who work for me. It requires me to be considerate, respectful and more and yet it is “me” that is their job. For me its to always see other people and to be okay with me being a job for others.
Its actually a very strange situation to be in. Because of my disability, being someone’s job and at the same time being able to be just me is a act of balance. It’s like walking on a slack line between high mountains and every day try to not fall down.
Right now Im struggeling. I feel hurt. One of my assistants has for a long time felt strange, tired, akward, not satisfied with working. I have asked over and over again if something is wrong. I have felt in the air that the vibrations havent been positive. Time goes by and I ask, I try to talk. I feel so well that something is wrong, and guess what, thats a feeling that is draining. It takes my energy away. But at the same time I can not keep on nagging to much cause that can make the situation worse for both of us. This keeps on. I try to find a solution. I try to tell my self that its only me that are tired, or in to much pain or or or,,, so many excuses to explain my feelings.
But now I find out, It was right, my feelings was right, she is sick. And what happens, I feel guilty, I feel worried about her health. But I also feel disappointed and sad. Disappointied and sorry that the trust wasnt as big as I thought it was.
I have to go through this in my head. Sort out all my emotions. Land in that things not always are as you think and that “it is okay”. I have to deal with the feeling of that she didnt trust in me so much that she could be honest. I know, I know way to well that this is my emotions, its my thinking, its my struggle. But still, its there, its something I have to work with again. The feeling of not being able to trust in others wakes up in a second. I know this person is the warmest, most open-hearted person. A person that just wants the best for me. Probably she just wanted to protect me, not create anxiety in me. But it is exactly the opposite that happens in situations like this. It creates anxiety in me, it makes feel worry, it gives me the feeling of not being good enough, it gives me the feeling of not being enough. To be enough is something that is different in everybodys mind and its the way we see at our self.
I know Im hard at myself. Very hard. But thats me. Thats the way Im raised. Im raised to be independent, to be strong, life have made me even stronger than I should need to be. But thats me. Life have shaped me. Life have hit me hard. Life have give me a big hearth but also lack of confidence and trust in others. Things like this shakes me up. Im not a young girl any more. Im a grown up woman. But still the earth can shake when something like this happend.
Its actually a bit odd that I react so strong. Because inside of me Im totaly convinced about that Im good at what I do. Im good of being a leader for my personal assistens. Im good at creating a good place to work at. Im just dam good at being a leader. But Im also a human been and im vulnerable.
Its that Im blessed to have grandkids, its that its terrible that I cant be with them.
Its nice when we today saw a little not totaly dark cloud on the sky.
Its the good feeling sitting here listening to the cats who snores
Sixten the little one with big paws, Selma the queen of the house
Its to appreciate a good cup of coffee
Its to listen to the silence in the dark outside
Its the feeling inside that say, hey your a survivor, your a fighter
I truly am a survivor and a fighter. I have been forced to be that. I sometimes wonder what I would have been without all my experiences. Maybe a so called “normal” person, a person that fits in the frames of society. Do I fit in, yes in someways, and no in others. I think Im that kind of person that people see even though I dont want to be seen. I cant hide away. Im living with a whealchair, so of course people see me. But even when I was walking I was that tall girl/woman that could not hide away. A lot of times I have wished I could have disappeared in the crown, but no, not a chanse. But when I wanted someone to see me, they didnt, or they didnt dared to. Cause its not easy to see someone that is hurt, that is filled with anxiety and worry. And especially when the person has been clearly struck to the ground. And I meen clearly struck, by force of a mans hand and words. Forced by circumstances I could not do anything about. Life have kicked me in my behinds so many time. But Im like those small Russian dolls that have a weight at the bottom, they rise again and again when you put at them. Today I can look back and realize, its amazing, how did I do it, how did I manage to take one more step, how did I manage to grow.
I dont know if there is any answer to that thought. Its the circumstances that have made me keep on walking. A hard road, but a road that have taught me to appreciate the small things in life. Those small things like that one cloud on the dark sky today wasnt totaly grey, it had some small small streaks of white in themselves.
Thats the little tiny experience that can be so extremely important to see. It the little thing that lifts me up when its heavy. I need to think like this every day. To see the small things every day. I write my three little things that happened in my book of gratitude every day. Hmmm to be honest, almost every day. Sometimes I forget, sometime I dont feel like doing it. And thats totaly okay cause if it be a demand, then it loses its purpose and that purpose is to keep me with the nose above the surface. To keep me take one more step forward, to keep me smiling, to keep me feeling.
One more thing is nice today and that is the lights on my porch, they shine so nicely in the dark. They give comfort and a bit of feeling of christmas. Though christmas is not anything I like, but I do my best to try to get a bit of feeling for it. And guess what, its enough to try.
And to change subject, Im so sick and tired of Covid. Cant that dam virus just go away. Let us live life again in a “normal” way. I think its hard to be in quarantine, but I realize its important. I just hope that all humans can learn something of this. Hopefully we can learn that its important to see each other, to help each other. Hopefully we can learn different ways to connect with each other. To connect through different apps is a alternativ, of course it can never be the same as hugging a human, talking side by side, sitting toghether in a couch watching a good movie, go to a restaurant, to stay in lines without being afraid of getting infected and so on. But still its a alternative. And we better keep on doing it, stay safe, keep the distance, stay healthy and just wait.