When I look back to 2020 I realize that its a year I would like to forget about.
But I also realize that its a year that have gave me new experiences, new way of thinking in a lot ot things.
It have been a year with sadness, but it have gave me new good out of the sadness.
I dont give any new year promisses. I dont like that. Cause a promise to myself can I give any day during the year.
But I always reflect at new year about what have happend and what do I want to work with when it comes to myself.
For many many years, more than you can imagine, have I always think about others. Thats just the way I am.
I have, by own free will, take the part of being the root to my grandkids.
I have done so much for others.
What I have done for me is to go in therapy for a couple of years. And, yes,,, I needed that wery much.
Living life with abusive husband, kid on drugs, polio, postpolio, cancer, rape and so on made me look everything inside. It was my way of survive.
But wow, it hit me hard when my emotion backpack was filled way to much.
The process of going in therapy have been so so hard. But I should not have been alive so it was worth it.
To go in therapy is not a solution, its a way to get tools to handle your life. Tools to deal with anxiety, panicattacks, shame, guilt and so on. Those tools must be taken care of. You have to keep on using them over and over again. It makes life so much easier and you suddenly realize that the amount of time it took to use a tool for 2 years ago is now so so minimized. 2 years ago it could took me forever to get control over myself when a panicattack hit me. Today, maybe 5 – 10 minutes. That feels very good. And since I learned and trust in that I can control it I also know in what situations I get anxiety or panic, so Im prepared, I know its not going to kill me. Everything becomes easier.
But when it comes to my disaster radar, its a totaly different thing.
That radar raises high up as soon as I get a textmessage from one of my grandkids, when the phone ring and I see there name it raises.
Thousands of scenario runs through my head at once.
That is what I have to keep on working with, to get that radar to stay down.
I can no longer help them in the same way. They are 20 an d 22. They are drugaddicted both of them.
They are in rehab both of them.
They have to make there own choices in life even the choices that maybe get them in the wrong path.
I can talk to them, I can try to guide them, I can try to support them when they are sad. But I have to take down that radar and try to trust in that they will go there own way and hopefully find a place in life that are good for them.
I will always be there root. That can no one take away from us, but its time for me to see me.
I love to draw, I love to sketch, I love to create, I love to write.
In 2021 I will try to lift all of this up a bit. Now its in the drawer.
My papers, my pens are in the drawer.
Im going to take them up to my desk, feel them, try to get back in to that feeling of luck that comes from holding a bit of coal in my hand and slowly start using it on paper.
I have my boxes with graphite pens in the drawer, its not going to stay there either.
Im going to sharpen my pens. Try to start sketch again.
I very much like to do those small 5 minutes sketch. Its a good way to practise your mind to see in different way.
To do a one minute self portrait is a challange. But a good one, it make you see things in a more open way and
releases some of the pressure to be perfect in everything you do.
I will try to be kinder to myself. Its a growing process and a difficult one.
When you hole your life gone through things that scared you inside very deaply.
When those scares come from fysical and menthal abuse its not a easy task.
But I think since I got my tools from therapy its now time to work with this to.
I want to be able to look in the mirror and say “lucky mom and dad that got such a beautiful daughter”.
I want to be able to look in the mirror and say “your good”, I want to be able to look in the mirror and say “your dam good”.
Its only I that can do that, its only I that can work with that and its only I that can get the benefits out of it.
Its my time and Im going to try to be kind to me, to see me and not always be on alert for others.
I dont expect miracels cause thats just not me. Im satisfied even with small things, so yes Im going to work on it.
I have a good, wonderful friend that Im totaly convinced with lift me up when I think its hard. And yes, I will do the same for her.
but for now,
ITs time for ME