Christmas coming closer. Anxiety raises.
Christmas coming closer. Sadness raises.
I long for my grandkids.
I long so much that my heart hurts.
Its always worse when big holidays are ahead, and this year is the same. Through my head went a frase, “shit happens – deal with it”. And I also hear, “no free space in my brain”.
Why? Well long history short.
My son, is drugaddicted. He met a woman, got kids, divorced, took drugs again, met a new woman, got kids and started to change.
Cause of this woman he choosed to take a path in life in wish his two kids didnt have any place and neither did I.
She must have a diagnos of somekind. Shes manipulative to the grade of being a master of it.
If there was a school for learning to manipulate others, she would be top student number one.
She was a huge part of kicking out first my middle grandkid, then my oldest grandkid and after that it was my turn.
I was changed when that happend. I was not smiling, not singing, did not whistle, did not paint, did not read a book, I did nothing, nothing but eating.
I gained wait, a lot of wait and her control got worse.
I was stuck in my body, depending on her help so her controll just grow.
I didnt understood what was going on, was blinded.
I think that when someone get that kind of control over you, you stop seeing, you stop to think, you just survive.
Im not going to talk so much more about this, the story of it is so so long. The main things is that the oldest kids are now drugaddicted, both of them. They are in rehab, they have no contact with there father or there biological mother.
They have me.
Im there root in life.
And that is so wrong. Im suppose to be there grandma. Im suppose to be that grandma that you go shopping with, prepare food together with. That grandma that you can talk to about everything in life, good or bad. Im suppose to be the grandma that gives you a couple of coins, that keep your secrets and so on.
Now they are both in rehab. One in the nordic parts of Sweden and one in the south parts. I cant see them. I can sometimes talk to them. I miss them.
They have no parents, they and I are not allowed to have contact with there little sister, my youngest grandchild.
This hurts and it get so strong this time of the year. And for sure, covid dont make it any better.
Frase, “shit happens – deal with it”. And I also hear, “no free space in my brain” come to me and its good cause I must work with this. I must work with the feelings once again. I do it over and over and over again. Does it get easier, no but its easier to shake it of and realise that I have to deal with it, I say “no free space in my brain”.
Yes, I sure do and I do it cause the thoughts of my son and his wife could make me angry, very very angry, very filled with hate and wanting to revenge. I get a lot of emotions when thinking about what they have done to the kids. Im grown up, I can deal with it. I get scares, but its just some more scares in a already scared soul. The kids are young, they have problems, they are scarred deep into there souls.
For me its like a tool to manage the daily life. And dam Im good at it. I am a survivor.
I belive in karma and I pray that karma sooner or later hits them and that it hits hard.
Does it sound evil? Yes maybe, but what you do to others……. and so on.
Now I want thise time of year to just be over. I hope and pray for both of them to stay clean. I hope and pray for them to get some kind of christmas that dont hurt them to much.
I will do my best to help them and to help myself and to let the message of christmas get a space inside of me.