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A lot of things are going around in my head. Some days it feels like a roller coaster that will not stop. And okay, I have to deal with it, have no choice.

You wonder, Whats going on, everything and nothing.

Its like being in a limbo. You know that you truly truly need to stop living in a feeling of constant chaos. Because those chaos feelings, thoughts and so on are only taking your energy away for free. And thats not okay. I have this mantra “no free space in my brain”, that for me meens that bad thoughts and bed emotions dont pay rent in my brain so kick the out, there are no free space in my brain.

But sometimes its easier said than done. For many many year I been living on high alert and I still do in some way. Now Im working on letting go and its so so hard. How do I do`? How do I manage? How can I deal with it?

Well honestly I have no clue, but at the same time I know that I will solve this somehow. Because thats how I am. I usually find a way, it can take time, I have to think things through. I have to come to that point where I can say, “This is your way to go”. I might not say it, I might not even think it. Its just there. And I just have to follow.

To live as I have done with bad things around you for so many years, you get drained. Emotionally, body hurts, brain hurts, everything feels a bit messy from time to time. Its like trying to lay that puzzle and not being able to put all the pieces together.

I meet people with the same problems as my grandkids have. Is it a sign, is it suppose to be a eye opener for me. One that say, look they manage so can you grandkids do.

Is that what all of this is about. For me to let go?

But guess what, Im afraid to feel alone and not needed. Its strange that something that is so bad can make you feel needed. And now, I cant do one thing more, not one little shitty thing. Thats hard to deal with. Thats hard to manage emotionally and in any way at all.
It makes me realize that I am extremely alone. Truly extremely alone.
I know I will always have my BFF in USA. She will be there for me, she will listen, she will talk, she will just be at my side. But for how long?
She´s sick so I value every day with her. I value our talks, our arguments,,(not so bad at all maybe wrong word) our laughters, our chit chat. Im going to miss them so much but I know I will deal with that to, cause thats how I am.

To not have any family around at all feels so so empty. There are no children in my house, no laughters, no games, no movie evenings, no walks together while talking about lifes mysteries. There are so many things that “Are not”. Its so many “nothing”.

Thats extremely hard to deal with and all the time with the fear inside that the phone one day will call and a voice say, we found your granddaughter or you grandson dead. That is my biggest nightmare ever. I have this strong feeling that It will happen. When and why I feel it I dont know. But I do.

when my son was little I said, I will lose him in his young age. I did, he didnt die, but I lost him to drugs and evil people. I lost him and in a way that is harder than if he was dead. If he died I could grief. Now I cant, I can just feel a emptiness. I will never never ever talk to him again. That sounds hard. That sounds ruff and evil. But its the truth.

I will not one more time in my life put my self in the position on one more time being hurt so extremely bad that there is only a emptiness around you. Not one more time. I will never trust in him for one sec. I will never ever lay my hand on his arm or talk to him. Cause if I do that, he destroy me again and you can just pic yourself up so many times. I dont have any more possibility to pic myself up again. So life have to go on being empty.