Its Mars 14 2023 and Jeannie have passed away

Tags

death, grief

Jennie passed away on january 8th. She struggled for almost 2 years with stage 4 lungcancer.

I was with her online untill she took her last breath.
Its so strange everything.

We have been talking every day for several years. We could talk about absolutely everything. We talked politic, religion, emotions, relationsships, news, music, movies, writing, art, natur, ya absolutely everything. There was no tabun, non at all.
We shared our lifes stories.

She told me about her childhood with a lot of abuse in foster care. About this terrible Maizell women that hit her hard everyday with a bat, forced her to steal, forced her to stay still in the basement. That made her so afraid of not getting food that she did everything she was told to do. She was going through hell. She run away and came in to another place where she met our common friend, that friend that broth us together. There she, and our friend, was sexually abused. She was able to run away after over a year, Our friend got stuck in there for many more years. They met again when matur and established a good warm friendship. But both of them was scared inside, badly scared.
Jeannie went through a lot of long bad periods in time. To be a lesbian was hard, she got beet up for no reason, she and her girlfriend was kicked out on the streat. Things that is so hard to even try to understand for me. She was also a victim of Hurican Andrew, and that scared her alot. She talked about life before and after Andrew. I can not even try to understand how it is to go through something like that. She was strong, she was warm, she was caring, she was stubborn, she was amazing, she was Jeannie and she was my soulmate. I have never talked to another women in the way I talked to her. We were far far away from each other in real life, and non of us could take a plain and cross the Atlantic ocean. But, we were closer than many people ever get.

To have this kind of friendship is a gift on so many levels. Its a blessing to be able to talk to someone about so many deep things in life. Someone to laugh with and someone to cry together with.

When Jeannie got sick, I was with her every day. Even when she had the worst day ever I was with her online. We chatted on different apps. All depending on were she was. On hospital we had to often use Messanger, she didnt like that but we still did it cause she wanted me with her. She told docs and nurses,, this is my BFF from Sweden and she showed me to them and they chit chatted with me. When she talked to doc she always said, Now you have to think about that my BFF have to be with us to take notes. And I did.

Gosh I have so many notes, so many papers, so many things from her cancer journey that I havent been able to get ride of yet. I know I have to some day, cause it will be my way to take a step forward. I know she is still with me cause there was things she said she would do when she passed away and I have seen some of it. One little thing was that people around me was suppose to start talking about betting. I never bet, I dont like it, and what happend.. Yes, the first one was one of our friends online, she suddenly say, You wanne bet,,,, and I got gosebumps…. and after that it have appered several times.

When my friends and I see each other online we usually end our lives around 11 – 11.30 pm my time. Several times now my b-pap machine have started around 11 pm… why,,, well I think its Jeannie telling me,, hey Swede its time to go to bed.

I like those small things, cause I miss her so much. Its empty. So very very empty.

My friend Patty Stefans new Christmas song…

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CmhI40yr8la/?igshid=MDJmNzVkMjY=

Patty Stefan new Christmas Song

https://www.instagram.com/reel/ClYw4-SANG5/?igshid=MDJmNzVkMjY=

Tags

cancer, discover, drugs, emotions, health, independent, kids, life, support, tiktok

I just realized one thing,,,, I haven’t been here for many month now,, its sad to say but I totally lost it.

To much going on around me, to much that occupies my mind and unfortunally I lost that feeling of wanting to write. To write is usually a good way for me to clean my inside. But it is what it is,, sometimes we lose things that we normally like. Sometimes permanently and sometimes just for awhile.

I hope this is for awhile.

July was the last time I was her. So much have happend.

I celebrated my 70ths birthday. Crazy feeling. I cant understand that I’m know 70 years old. I don’t feel like it inside, I don’t look like it according to other people so I guess I just have to suck it up and deal with it.

“A women got to do what a women got to do”

I have been on TikTok a lot.
Yes its true,,, me, 70 year old on TikTok. But what the heck. I have a wonderful time.
We are now a group of people that are extremely supportive to each other. We go live Monday to Friday every week for a couple of hours. Talking about absolutely everything but use our words carefully sometimes since TikTok have the power to banne your live if they decide your topic or use of words are at any way harmful, bullying etc.
The thing I like best with this group is that we can go from talking about very hard things, Charing memories that hurts or that make you cry or smile, we can discuss almost about every topic, and we can go from crying to laughing so hard that my stomach hurts for hours after live end. We call ourselves “The Golden Girls of TikTok” and thats exactly what we are. We all have a bit of Blanche in us and we all have a bit of the other in the series Golden Girls in us. And I think so have everyone on earth. But for us this is such a good name for a group of people that come together from all over the world.

What I like most of all is the connection we got. We are people that have met online. We didn’t know anything about each other but when time goes by we realize that we have so much commonly. We have gone and are going through hard, ruff things in life. We share our stories, we support each other, we grow and we feel safe together. That sometime makes me feel a bit surprised over how Internet actually can join people in good ways together.

Often I think that the online life are negative. I like the digital life, it makes so much things much easier. But I also realize the bad parts of it. As that goggle know everything about us and other platforms as well, that what you post online will always be out there for people to steal, to use in bad ways. There should be classes and graduation on how to deal, act and not act on internet. Its growing so fast that its hard to stay updated sometimes.

Anyway, I like TikTok. Its fun, I learn a lot and I just block all the crap that I don’t want to see or hear anything about. One awesome thing for me is all the music on TT. A lot of people that share there music, people that never want to stay on a stage but that have a amazing gift to sing, create music and so on. Another thing are all those guided tours around the world. A person that guide us through the Irish history on a live. Another person takes us up to the northern parts of Norway, showing us the beauty of mother nature. Someone was sending from the pyramids in Egypt. There are some people reading books, its so calming so relaxing. I can find so much good things and discovery new things I didn’t know I like. But I have to stay alert so I don’t get trapped in a bad place on TT. But that’s my own responsibility to myself.

Leaving TT and going back to real life… still having big problems with my grandkids. Its sad to see that it don’t change for them. Its hard to stay beside and see that they don’t get the help they need or want. I can only be there, listening, talking, nothing else cause I refuse to be co-dependency. They don’t need me to be that. They need me to stand up for my limits and to love them to the moon and back but never ever support there addiction. I can only hope, and boy do I hope, for them to want to get help, to manage to go through it and start to live life’s that gives them happiness and calm.

My BFF in USA are still fighting against her cancer. Its not getting better and its hard to see her changing sometimes. We talk everyday even though that on a very bad day we just talk for a little while. But I’m there for her, I will be all the way until her last breath. She is a strong women, and she show that strong face to everyone, but not to me and I’m grateful over that I can see the sad side, the side that say Fuck Cancer with anger, sadness, worry. She’s the most independent women I ever met,, and I like that but sometimes I feel like I would like to shake her and say,,, Hey get some help. But that’s just not her and that’s for me and everyone else to accept. I think its natural to feel like I do sometime. Cause in us as human we have that feeling of wanting to help, to take care of. But my way of taking care of is to be there, to listen, to be a pain, to put a smile on her face, to give her strength when she need it. And I’m satisfied with that. I don’t think she realize how much she give to other people when she share her cancer journey. But she do.. she shows that even with stage 4 lung cancer with tumors in brain, in her liver, in her spine she can still fight, she can still laugh, find joy in small things, even with the pain that now is there 24/7. Maybe her life has shaped her to be the warrior she is today. So that out of bad things have come a great women that unfortunally cancer decided to stay in and grow in. Life isn’t fair, that’s for sure. But we take one step forward at the time and that’s all we can do.

And for me,, well I’m still way to active and I like it way to much. I say to much cause my body say, stop it, rest, take it easy. But what the heck…. I’m living now and I take care of that life.

Yesterday I realized that its 4 weeks to Christmas and 5 weeks to 2023. It feels crazy. Where did 2022 go? I have to reflect on that later on.

Time goes by so fast

Tags

autumn, kaos, negativity, summer, war, worry

and i feel like I cant deal with it. I feel slow or is it the world that are to crazy right now.
Feels like to much negative things are happening around the world that its easy to feel "lost in space".
That's how it feels like right now. I cant find a solid foundation to stand on.
I think all of us live with worry, with concerns about what's going on and what will happened.

I do worry.
I live way to close mr Putin,,, or as I call him, Mr Farting. Sorry but I feel like that man have no right to exist any more. This is terrible to say or even think, but those man that acts like he do are dangerous for all of us and they are creating so much problems all over the world.
War in Ukraine, lives for women destroyed by the court, people starving, wheather going crazy, prices raising like crazy, inflation starting to be like in the 30ths.
Where are we going?

Thats the big world concerns.
My own concerns are still about my grandkids that both of the big once are out in a negative spiral and I cant do one thing about it. Just hope for the best.
Sometimes it seems like life have decided to test me in the most brutal way.

Positiv thing, of course there are positivity in my life to.
My BFF, my friends at TikTok. Ya friends at TT. We are a group of women that go live together almost every day. Its stunning how friendship can grow online and how much support we can give each other regardless of being so far away from each other.
Its like have known each other for ever. That is truly a gift.
End of july already so summer are soon over but I in one way long for the darker august evenings after have hade the 24/7 light as we have in Sweden this time of the year.
August comes with shadow, with dark nights, with a bit fresh air. Thats so nice.
Then september, when everything gets crispy. MMmmmmm longing for that even though I want this to stay to.
Are we ever truly satisfied. No I dont think so. We are only humans.

Midsummer in Sweden

Tags

anxiety, death, drugs, grandkids, loneliness, midsummer, Sweden, white nights

Now we have the white nights here. Its stunning. Its bright 24/7.
If you haven’t seen it you don’t understand how amazing it is. Its a strange thing actually, but amazing. We live in darkness for so long time every year, but now, sunshine for the most of the time. The dark night is not dark, its a bit shady, but that’s all. On Friday its midsummers evening, that’s the day when its bright 24/7. After midsummer we slowly go down to getting darker nights.
I love this light but its also messing with my rhythm. When its light in the summer the only thing we/I want to do is to be outside. Its harder to sleep long enough at nights cause of the light and it doesn’t help to have darkening shades on the window. Cause we can not turn of the birds, the cows, the other animals, that now think its time to wake up at 3 in the morning. Same goes for our pets, my cat he hears the birds and cows starting to chit chat early and think,,,”oh its time to wake my servant up”. And yes he does, stubborn as a mule and not satisfied until he get all my attention. And of course he gets it. He owns me for sure.

Midsummer celebration is huge in this country. People get together to eat good food, to dance, to enjoy the white night. And I miss that.

Ya I truly miss that. That getting together with family, to chitchat at the beach, to look at the sky thats not getting dark, to dance, to eat good food, to be with the grandkids, to dance around the midsummer pole, to sit and play and sing together. I miss that and sometimes that hurts so much. And this is not anything I wanted to go through. It was forced on me by evil people, the evil once are my son and his wife. I know my granddaughter feel the same and that she try to get ride of her pain with drugs and alcohol. And I cant help her. That hurts.

I come to that point where I at least realize that I have to let go. I cant let go of my emotions, but I have to let go of trying to get involved in her life so much. Because her life is drugs, alcohol, partying, mental health problems, homeless. All the negative things in life that you can think about. I cant help her to fix it. I can only support by listening when she needs to talk, to tell her “I love you”, cause that’s what I do. I love her to the moon and back. I worry, of course I worry. I only want to see her happy, clean, mentaly stabile. I wish so hard that she don’t have to struggle so much as she do now. If I only could take her pain away. But that’s not up to me. Its her work and only she can deal with it. I can only be the one in her life that truly support her but not co-dependent.

I’m so so tired. My brain, my soul, my body, its so tired. So many years trying to be the root for both of my grandkids are taking its toll. I know I will keep on supporting them for as long as I live, but its hard, it cost so much. But my hearth are there’s.

A grandmother are not suppose to have it like this. Where did my grandmother picture went. poof its gone and it will never be a normal grandmother relation for me and them.

I have one more grandchild living with her mother and father. That makes me worry. Worry so so much.
I cant do anything. I cant talk to her. I cant see her. They are not allowing any contact between us. They even lie to her and tell her I have abandoned her. That I don’t love her. That I moved away because of her. They don’t talk about my granddaughter so the little one don’t even know that she have a big sister. A sister that would love to have contact with her.

Why do adults think its okay to behave like this. Why do the think its okay to kick the kids out of there life’s. Why do they even get babies??
My questions are so many, so so many and I will never get any answers to them. I just have to deal with that. I have to learn to stop worrying. I have to learn to stop trying to save. I have to focus on my self.

My bff isn’t feeling good either. That worry’s me of course. But in another way. We both know that her life probably will not be so long. But we take care of our friendship all the way until that day come. That’s actually a gift. A gift in the way that we are giving the opportunity to take care of time. To share. Not many people get that opportunity and if they get it they don’t realize that they have to take care of that time. Mostly I think because the words cancer, death, sickness are so scary for many people.
For me its a part of life.
Death is something that no one can get away from. Death is something we need to talk about. To talk about death, sickness and other hard subjects makes the road easier. It take away the demons going on inside of us. Those demons that try to scare us of the unknown. Of course we all feel that anxiety for what will happen after death. But that felling will not take over if we openly talk about it. To talk makes it smaller, more normal.

Maybe I’m strange? But for me this is so natural. I wish more people could talk about it in a better way. I truly appreciate everyone that works with people in the end of there lifes. They are doing a extremely important work. They guide people over to the other side and they do it not only for the person that are going to pass away, they also help family’s to deal with it. They are my hero’s.

Enough, now it have to be enough. Its midsummer and here I sit and talk about hard things in life. I should sit outside on my porch and just enjoy summer. So off I go.

Road trip

Tags

churches, history, learning, roadtrip, Sweden

Me and my personal assistant got out on the road for a trip around my area. We wanted to visit some of the old churches we have here.

When we had the last choir day we got a book from our leaders. A book about all churches in this area. A book with all history in and it made us wanting to see them, to get the history visually.

We have a rich history in Sweden. From the Vikings to today a lot of things have been going on. All along the church have been a big thing for Swedes. We are not a super religious group of people. But I think, looking back at history, that we have been. Voluntarily or not.
The church was big, the priest was the master of everything. What the church decided, you did it or you got punished.
Thats something that have been common in most countries. But Im interested in our history and to see those churches make me want to learn more.

The architecture are sometimes stunning. I just try to think about how on earth did they build those churches back in 16th – 1800s. It must have been such a hard work for the builders. Sweden is a country with many many churches. It seems like every little county got at least 2 or more churches. And this is a country with not so many people if you consider how long this country is and how extremely much open landscape we have and deep forests.

Below you have some photos I took from some of the places we have visit. I have to figur out how to get pictures as a collage,,, LoL… will make it so much better. But I learn. Anyway, we are digging in to our history this summer and that is truly a pleasure.

This gate in to church is made in iron..

Utside church was the belfry a common way to build

just thinking things through

Tags

childre, drugs, emptiness, family

A lot of things are going around in my head. Some days it feels like a roller coaster that will not stop. And okay, I have to deal with it, have no choice.

You wonder, Whats going on, everything and nothing.

Its like being in a limbo. You know that you truly truly need to stop living in a feeling of constant chaos. Because those chaos feelings, thoughts and so on are only taking your energy away for free. And thats not okay. I have this mantra “no free space in my brain”, that for me meens that bad thoughts and bed emotions dont pay rent in my brain so kick the out, there are no free space in my brain.

But sometimes its easier said than done. For many many year I been living on high alert and I still do in some way. Now Im working on letting go and its so so hard. How do I do`? How do I manage? How can I deal with it?

Well honestly I have no clue, but at the same time I know that I will solve this somehow. Because thats how I am. I usually find a way, it can take time, I have to think things through. I have to come to that point where I can say, “This is your way to go”. I might not say it, I might not even think it. Its just there. And I just have to follow.

To live as I have done with bad things around you for so many years, you get drained. Emotionally, body hurts, brain hurts, everything feels a bit messy from time to time. Its like trying to lay that puzzle and not being able to put all the pieces together.

I meet people with the same problems as my grandkids have. Is it a sign, is it suppose to be a eye opener for me. One that say, look they manage so can you grandkids do.

Is that what all of this is about. For me to let go?

But guess what, Im afraid to feel alone and not needed. Its strange that something that is so bad can make you feel needed. And now, I cant do one thing more, not one little shitty thing. Thats hard to deal with. Thats hard to manage emotionally and in any way at all.
It makes me realize that I am extremely alone. Truly extremely alone.
I know I will always have my BFF in USA. She will be there for me, she will listen, she will talk, she will just be at my side. But for how long?
She´s sick so I value every day with her. I value our talks, our arguments,,(not so bad at all maybe wrong word) our laughters, our chit chat. Im going to miss them so much but I know I will deal with that to, cause thats how I am.

To not have any family around at all feels so so empty. There are no children in my house, no laughters, no games, no movie evenings, no walks together while talking about lifes mysteries. There are so many things that “Are not”. Its so many “nothing”.

Thats extremely hard to deal with and all the time with the fear inside that the phone one day will call and a voice say, we found your granddaughter or you grandson dead. That is my biggest nightmare ever. I have this strong feeling that It will happen. When and why I feel it I dont know. But I do.

when my son was little I said, I will lose him in his young age. I did, he didnt die, but I lost him to drugs and evil people. I lost him and in a way that is harder than if he was dead. If he died I could grief. Now I cant, I can just feel a emptiness. I will never never ever talk to him again. That sounds hard. That sounds ruff and evil. But its the truth.

I will not one more time in my life put my self in the position on one more time being hurt so extremely bad that there is only a emptiness around you. Not one more time. I will never trust in him for one sec. I will never ever lay my hand on his arm or talk to him. Cause if I do that, he destroy me again and you can just pic yourself up so many times. I dont have any more possibility to pic myself up again. So life have to go on being empty.

28 of April and Im freezing like crazy

gosh Im sick and tired of it. I need to get warm, I need to get sunshine. I need to feel free.

8 of April and its snowing like crazy

Tags

face emotions, need, snow, spring

Hey I’m feed up now.

Give me back my spring feelings. This is totally insane. Its almost impossible to go outside. At some places, or to be honest, a lot of places in Sweden the roads are impossible to drive at. There are truckers that have been standing stuck on the roads for over 20 hours. Its suppose to be the time of year when we can start sitting on the porch, chillaxing, drinking a good cup of coffee, enjoy the sun at the face, see the grass start growing, start to prepare the garden for summer.

Its not suppose to be like this. Its crazy. I have to try to not let it get at me,,, but hey, it does,,, dagnabbit.

I need the sun now, I need the spring air now, I need to feel a soft wind against my face now.

I need spring…..