Tags

, , , , , , ,


Now we have the white nights here. Its stunning. Its bright 24/7.
If you haven’t seen it you don’t understand how amazing it is. Its a strange thing actually, but amazing. We live in darkness for so long time every year, but now, sunshine for the most of the time. The dark night is not dark, its a bit shady, but that’s all. On Friday its midsummers evening, that’s the day when its bright 24/7. After midsummer we slowly go down to getting darker nights.
I love this light but its also messing with my rhythm. When its light in the summer the only thing we/I want to do is to be outside. Its harder to sleep long enough at nights cause of the light and it doesn’t help to have darkening shades on the window. Cause we can not turn of the birds, the cows, the other animals, that now think its time to wake up at 3 in the morning. Same goes for our pets, my cat he hears the birds and cows starting to chit chat early and think,,,”oh its time to wake my servant up”. And yes he does, stubborn as a mule and not satisfied until he get all my attention. And of course he gets it. He owns me for sure.

Midsummer celebration is huge in this country. People get together to eat good food, to dance, to enjoy the white night. And I miss that.

Ya I truly miss that. That getting together with family, to chitchat at the beach, to look at the sky thats not getting dark, to dance, to eat good food, to be with the grandkids, to dance around the midsummer pole, to sit and play and sing together. I miss that and sometimes that hurts so much. And this is not anything I wanted to go through. It was forced on me by evil people, the evil once are my son and his wife. I know my granddaughter feel the same and that she try to get ride of her pain with drugs and alcohol. And I cant help her. That hurts.

I come to that point where I at least realize that I have to let go. I cant let go of my emotions, but I have to let go of trying to get involved in her life so much. Because her life is drugs, alcohol, partying, mental health problems, homeless. All the negative things in life that you can think about. I cant help her to fix it. I can only support by listening when she needs to talk, to tell her “I love you”, cause that’s what I do. I love her to the moon and back. I worry, of course I worry. I only want to see her happy, clean, mentaly stabile. I wish so hard that she don’t have to struggle so much as she do now. If I only could take her pain away. But that’s not up to me. Its her work and only she can deal with it. I can only be the one in her life that truly support her but not co-dependent.

I’m so so tired. My brain, my soul, my body, its so tired. So many years trying to be the root for both of my grandkids are taking its toll. I know I will keep on supporting them for as long as I live, but its hard, it cost so much. But my hearth are there’s.

A grandmother are not suppose to have it like this. Where did my grandmother picture went. poof its gone and it will never be a normal grandmother relation for me and them.

I have one more grandchild living with her mother and father. That makes me worry. Worry so so much.
I cant do anything. I cant talk to her. I cant see her. They are not allowing any contact between us. They even lie to her and tell her I have abandoned her. That I don’t love her. That I moved away because of her. They don’t talk about my granddaughter so the little one don’t even know that she have a big sister. A sister that would love to have contact with her.

Why do adults think its okay to behave like this. Why do the think its okay to kick the kids out of there life’s. Why do they even get babies??
My questions are so many, so so many and I will never get any answers to them. I just have to deal with that. I have to learn to stop worrying. I have to learn to stop trying to save. I have to focus on my self.

My bff isn’t feeling good either. That worry’s me of course. But in another way. We both know that her life probably will not be so long. But we take care of our friendship all the way until that day come. That’s actually a gift. A gift in the way that we are giving the opportunity to take care of time. To share. Not many people get that opportunity and if they get it they don’t realize that they have to take care of that time. Mostly I think because the words cancer, death, sickness are so scary for many people.
For me its a part of life.
Death is something that no one can get away from. Death is something we need to talk about. To talk about death, sickness and other hard subjects makes the road easier. It take away the demons going on inside of us. Those demons that try to scare us of the unknown. Of course we all feel that anxiety for what will happen after death. But that felling will not take over if we openly talk about it. To talk makes it smaller, more normal.

Maybe I’m strange? But for me this is so natural. I wish more people could talk about it in a better way. I truly appreciate everyone that works with people in the end of there lifes. They are doing a extremely important work. They guide people over to the other side and they do it not only for the person that are going to pass away, they also help family’s to deal with it. They are my hero’s.

Enough, now it have to be enough. Its midsummer and here I sit and talk about hard things in life. I should sit outside on my porch and just enjoy summer. So off I go.